Monday, June 11, 2012

More Than Just A Number

Who am I?  I am 39 years old.  Today, I weigh 213 pounds.


That hurts!  It hurts to look at it on the scale, it hurts to see it staring up at me in print, but most of all it hurts to openly admit it.  I am fat.  There are no two ways around that.

It wasn't always like this.  The weight gain didn't happen overnight.  It was slow and seductive, like the aroma of freshly baked apple pie.....warm and sugary and sweet.  Promising to take all my cares away in one steaming bite topped with creamy vanilla ice cream.

On the day I got married, I weighed 145 pounds.  Sadly, I thought I was an unforgivably chubby bride.  I now wistfully look back at photos of that day and think about how stupid I was.  Stupid for not living in the moment.  Stupid for trying to conform to someone else's notion of beauty.  Stupid for letting a dress size define who I was.

I am not a thin girl trapped in a fat girl's body.  I am just a girl, like you or your friend, neighbor, sister, aunt.

I am starving, but this time not for food.

Somewhere inside me I am hurting, I am hiding, I have lost myself.  And I don't know why.  I don't know how it all began.  But now is the time to get real.  It's time to own up.  It's time to rise to the challenge and fight.  For me.